a lot has changed. and for a while I was trying my hardest to fight it.. let me try and describe it.. i feel as if I was living a life. my life. then suddenly one night that life ended. i woke up the next day and began a new life.
sounds strange? well it is.
i learned a few good lessons from ending the old life. read the rest of my blog if ya want to understand more of those changes because i am not going to relist them. i talk about my life a lot, but i don’t really talk about the change in my friends and family. recently that’s all i’ve been noticing. the change in my friends. the changes my family is going through.
now as we all get older its common to separate, to talk less, to have to schedule a dinner or lunch just to catch up. i just didn’t think it would be this soon. i still feel young. not like i should be going to friends weddings, or buying baby presents, or boyfriends take over that much of a life. I mean I knew it was coming but to watch it all happen in others life’s.. while mine is just truckin along same speed as usual, no major changes within a two month period. am I missing something? have i gotten lost along the way? left behind? eh maybe. is the real problem here.. that I’m okay with it? yea, probably. i’m just too good at being single. i’m too comfortable not paying rent. i’m too content with never knowing what the next day might hold to plan something so permanent.
my family is changing too. my brother leaves to boot camp soon, a dream he has had for a long time but never really went for. i’m so proud of him for actually doing what he wants. found my friendship with my parents, jammin to 80′s music, and tryin to make each other laugh. just over three months ago i lost my grandpa. the only grandpa i got to know because i lost my other grandpa as a baby. we had gotten really close throughout the last three years. spent many saturday summers together working on his yard, sitting on his couch having heart to hearts about what I wanted out of life, and what he wanted for me in my life. i loved watching him quiz my boy, and laugh as we climbed his tree. he gave me the best advice. i love that i got to spend his last holiday on earth with him. i even loved when he would get mad at me, expect nothing but perfection. i loved seeing the tears of joy on his face because i showed up just to talk. he was the greatest man, and i miss him everyday. i know he is watching over me, and will be at all the important things in my life in spirit.
“what i wouldn’t give to ride around in that old truck with him.. if heaven weren’t so far away i’d pack up the car and go for the day.. tell him we’d be back in a couple of days, in the rearview we’d all watch him wave. ya losing him wouldn’t be so hard to take, if heaven weren’t so far away.”
though my life has been changing, one thing hasn’t. my dreams. and i’m not talkin dreams about life. my real life nightime dreams. they’ve been the same repititive dreams for the past three and a half years. same people. many different scenarios. so vivid. so real. my memories provide much more than i think they do. i constantly have to bring myself back to real life when i start to daydream during class, or work. but sometimes i just let my mind wander, and enjoy my imagination
.
i believe the dreams i have set the mood for the next day. they show me where my mind is when i can’t control it. allow me to see the things i want in life. i am just happy the night terrors are over, dream catchers do work.
No comments:
Post a Comment