if heaven weren't so far away

a lot has changed. and for a while I was trying my hardest to fight it.. let me try and describe it.. i feel as if I was living a life. my life. then suddenly one night that life ended. i woke up the next day and began a new life.

sounds strange? well it is. 

i learned a few good lessons from ending the old life. read the rest of my blog if ya want to understand more of those changes because i am not going to relist them. i talk about my life a lot, but i don’t really talk about the change in my friends and family.  recently that’s all i’ve been noticing. the change in my friends. the changes my family is going through.

now as we all get older its common to separate, to talk less, to have to schedule a dinner or lunch just to catch up. i just didn’t think it would be this soon. i still feel young. not like i should be going to friends weddings, or buying baby presents, or boyfriends take over that much of a life. I mean I knew it was coming but to watch it all happen in others life’s.. while mine is just truckin along same speed as usual, no major changes within a two month period. am I missing something? have i gotten lost along the way? left behind? eh maybe. is the real problem here.. that I’m okay with it? yea, probably. i’m just too good at being single. i’m too comfortable not paying rent. i’m too content with never knowing what the next day might hold to plan something so permanent.

my family is changing too. my brother leaves to boot camp soon, a dream he has had for a long time but never really went for. i’m so proud of him for actually doing what he wants.  found my friendship with my parents, jammin to 80′s music, and tryin to make each other laugh.  just over three months ago i lost my grandpa. the only grandpa i got to know because i lost my other grandpa as a baby.  we had gotten really close throughout the last three years. spent many saturday summers together working on his yard, sitting on his couch having heart to hearts about what I wanted out of life, and what he wanted for me in my life. i loved watching him quiz my boy, and laugh as we climbed his tree. he gave me the best advice. i love that i got to spend his last holiday on earth with him. i even loved when he would get mad at me, expect nothing but perfection. i loved seeing the tears of joy on his face because i showed up just to talk. he was the greatest man, and i miss him everyday. i know he is watching over me, and will be at all the important things in my life in spirit.

“what i wouldn’t give to ride around in that old truck with him.. if heaven weren’t so far away i’d pack up the car and go for the day.. tell him we’d be back in a couple of days, in the rearview we’d all watch him wave. ya losing him wouldn’t be so hard to take, if heaven weren’t so far away.”

though my life has been changing, one thing hasn’t. my dreams. and i’m not talkin dreams about life. my real life nightime dreams. they’ve been the same repititive dreams for the past three and a half years. same people. many different scenarios. so vivid. so real.  my memories provide much more than i think they do. i constantly have to bring myself back to real life when i start to daydream during class, or work. but sometimes i just let my mind wander, and enjoy my imagination

.

i believe the dreams i have set the mood for the next day. they show me where my mind is when i can’t control it. allow me to see the things i want in life. i am just happy the night terrors are over, dream catchers do work.

r.e.a.lity.

 

it’s been a while since I have felt safe.

technology betrayed me. but now I have a sense of security & hopefully can get back into the swing of things.

it’s been a nice couple of weeks. had a few short getaways and a much needed break from reality.  because sometimes reality can be rough.

the state of the world as it really is rather than as you might want it to be.

in life there are choices to make. you can believe that all your decisions in life are previously decided, or you can believe that we were sent to earth to make decisions and make our own life whatever we want. it’s your reality.

i had some hard decisions to make. i said I will ALWAYS tell the truth no matter what. and I did what i had to. i no longer feel bad about it because i know that even with the toughest things that may hurt someone it was the right thing to do. all decisions have a consequence. i can face them, and i can own up to everything I do and say. thank goodness i was taught right.

sometimes this stuff keeps me up at night. 

it makes me sick watching what humans are capable of. lying. cheating. killing. hurting. disrespect.  

         

     

 

 

this is the music that cheers me up.

  

takes me away from reality.

music can change my whole day around. i would put more artists up but it would get crazy with all the different people I listen to. 

i’m in a different mind state lately.   

  

“you can learn to fly. just call his name. just call his name. wherever we go. call out his name, lift up our hands completely ashamed. Give it all up, dropping our pride. rip us apart, change us on the inside.”

i’m content. feeling very satisfied with life. everyday i get closer and closer to where i need to be and where i am supposed to be. i realize what makes me happy. and what dreams i am striving for.

   

 

 

next stop Canada… Eh?

explore y.o.u.r. world

Dear Jacquelyn,

its me.. you. I have somethings I need to tell you.. us.

if i went back 10 years i’d be talking to 9 year old me. a 9 year old who would not care what i told her. she already knew everything there was to know..  regardless..

I would attempt to tell her what i thought would help her the most in life.

           live your life to the fullest.

                                                                                                                      play.  make memories.

you may never understand why i did what we did for so many years. but it helped.

we are so much stronger for the pain i put us through.

i learned how to let someone in, and share the things we never could.

-sitting on his lap, i whispered, “tell me a secret.” that day we learned more than anyone could imagine, and i showed him the scars that no one but him could relate to.  it was the hardest thing to learn, and to tell. we sat there crying and realized why we needed each other. don’t ever shut anyone out, keep your soul open. you never know what you may find.

i’d explain to myself that nights like this are more than worth living for.

 you will go far in life, and accomplish so much.

show the world what you are made of. dont let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. only you can decide that.

be open to everything. change. diversity. no judgements.

be independent. be secure.

know you are never alone. 

remember your family and the lord always are there for you. don’t give up on them.

                                 explore the world.                    explore your world.

trust your instinct, follow your heart. deep down you always know what to do.

                                      

sometimes you’re gonna have to fight. and stand up for yourself. if you know you want something make it happen.  say what you need to even if it is the hardest thing to do. it took us long enough to realize that honesty is the best policy. especially be honest with yourself.

 don’t try to change the hard times they make you stronger. accept the people that hurt you and forgive. even if it is the hardest thing to do.

you’re gonna lose a lot of the best people in the world over the next ten years. just remember all the good times, and continue moving forward. you are gonna feel lost and confused, but just remember that everything happens for a reason. and things will find there way to you. be grateful for the people that support you, and believe in karma. you’ve got amazing karma just keeping giving and the world will give back.

trouble should be me and my friends middle names. not always a good thing.  but definitely some funny memories. i spent many nights younger lying to get out of my curfew. getting caught. breaking trespassing laws. lighting a mountain side on fire. driving at the age of 13. crashing multiple cars. running away from a guy with a gun.  being too loud. having parties while parents are gone. parents finding pictures of the parties while they were gone.  skinny dipping. sleeping on the sidewalk. fighting.  spending lots of money.  we are trouble, and enjoy pushing the boundaries. don’t try this at home.